It's all Judy's fault!

Yes, it is! Ever since I read her blog this morning, I've been thinking about the twists and turns of my life.

I believe the decisions we make in life, informed or not, are meant to be dealt with and made the most of. I feel comfortable I have done that. But the failures are looming out there for me to ponder on, and I can't help but wonder that perhaps if I had done something differently .... well, I can't ponder that too long or I'll go nuts.

I'm comfortable that I've been successful in both my careers. I worked really hard at being a good court reporter. I challenged myself constantly, read, researched, took classes, and I think all the effort paid off. Do I miss that career? Someone asked me that today. No, I don't miss the drudgery of reporting - taking testimony, churning out transcripts, falling asleep with proofreading in my lap every night. But I do miss the legal community and the attorneys and judges that I came to know very well during those 25 years. I learned so much about a lot of different things. Some of the things I learned I still use to this day.

Then there came THE move. I can't even relate how hard it was to move from everything and everyone I had ever known. I sold three houses, sold my business, said goodbye to family and friends, and headed off west on I-10. It took me three or four months to complete my transcripts when I got here, so I was still involved with the folks back home to some extent.

After only about a month of living with my new husband, I realized that his version of reality was much different than mine. At the two-month mark I began job searching. I sent out three resumes, got three interviews, three job offers, and I chose the one closest to where I was living. May 14th will be 13 years at this job. I was determined to succeed. I think I have.

My failures mostly stem from trusting too much and giving too much of myself. I get burned and it hurts like hell. But I've learned from those failures. I just don't want to turn cynical in my old age. I'm trying really hard not to be that way. For the last year I've had people tell me that I seem happier than I have been in a very long time. I think that has come from removing from my life the people or things that made me unhappy.

Regrets are what haunt me the most. I regret that I didn't try harder, that I didn't say "I love you" more, that I didn't stand up for myself when it could have made a difference. But despite all of that, I feel so blessed with loving family and friends, and a life in which I am comfortable.

I'm going to be 56 in a few months. I feel so much older than that, probably because of the medical problems. But I still think like a 30 year old. And that's what is most important! LOL. I don't feel there's anything I can't do if I try really hard -- well, except for getting up off the floor! And fitting into all those size six clothes that are hanging in the back of my closet! And wearing a 32B bra! (sigh)

Maybe I've been pondering today so much because my most difficult month of the year is nearing an end.

Gratitudes:

~ Every single day that I wake up healthy and happy
~ That good feeling you get when you know you've done an excellent job
~ Decluttering
~ My friends who really do keep me sane
~ As ever, my Daisy dog