Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's all Judy's fault!

Yes, it is! Ever since I read her blog this morning, I've been thinking about the twists and turns of my life.

I believe the decisions we make in life, informed or not, are meant to be dealt with and made the most of. I feel comfortable I have done that. But the failures are looming out there for me to ponder on, and I can't help but wonder that perhaps if I had done something differently .... well, I can't ponder that too long or I'll go nuts.

I'm comfortable that I've been successful in both my careers. I worked really hard at being a good court reporter. I challenged myself constantly, read, researched, took classes, and I think all the effort paid off. Do I miss that career? Someone asked me that today. No, I don't miss the drudgery of reporting - taking testimony, churning out transcripts, falling asleep with proofreading in my lap every night. But I do miss the legal community and the attorneys and judges that I came to know very well during those 25 years. I learned so much about a lot of different things. Some of the things I learned I still use to this day.

Then there came THE move. I can't even relate how hard it was to move from everything and everyone I had ever known. I sold three houses, sold my business, said goodbye to family and friends, and headed off west on I-10. It took me three or four months to complete my transcripts when I got here, so I was still involved with the folks back home to some extent.

After only about a month of living with my new husband, I realized that his version of reality was much different than mine. At the two-month mark I began job searching. I sent out three resumes, got three interviews, three job offers, and I chose the one closest to where I was living. May 14th will be 13 years at this job. I was determined to succeed. I think I have.

My failures mostly stem from trusting too much and giving too much of myself. I get burned and it hurts like hell. But I've learned from those failures. I just don't want to turn cynical in my old age. I'm trying really hard not to be that way. For the last year I've had people tell me that I seem happier than I have been in a very long time. I think that has come from removing from my life the people or things that made me unhappy.

Regrets are what haunt me the most. I regret that I didn't try harder, that I didn't say "I love you" more, that I didn't stand up for myself when it could have made a difference. But despite all of that, I feel so blessed with loving family and friends, and a life in which I am comfortable.

I'm going to be 56 in a few months. I feel so much older than that, probably because of the medical problems. But I still think like a 30 year old. And that's what is most important! LOL. I don't feel there's anything I can't do if I try really hard -- well, except for getting up off the floor! And fitting into all those size six clothes that are hanging in the back of my closet! And wearing a 32B bra! (sigh)

Maybe I've been pondering today so much because my most difficult month of the year is nearing an end.

Gratitudes:

~ Every single day that I wake up healthy and happy
~ That good feeling you get when you know you've done an excellent job
~ Decluttering
~ My friends who really do keep me sane
~ As ever, my Daisy dog

8 comments:

Darlene said...

Why do we continue to beat ourselves up over mistakes that we've made in the past? You still have a whole life ahead of you, Vicky with lots more challenges to conquer! Hold your head up and be proud of who you are! You are a special person with a heart of gold!

Doodlebug Gail said...

What a great post Vicky. I am so glad that you're a part of my life - you're a wonderful, generous person and I am happy that you're happier and people have notices. Hugs for you my dear friend.

JudyL said...

Oh, right! Blame me! :)

Like Gail & Darlene, I'm so glad our paths crossed. You're such a wonderful person!

Beth said...

Wow, you used to be a court reporter huh? I went to school for that for about a year and a half, it was impossible to finish with a baby to take care of and no support from her father. Oh well, I work for attorneys, so I'm still in the legal community. You're lucky you're out, they suck your soul right out of you, I have been a legal secretary for about 25 years, so I know what you mean.

And pat yourself on the back, you have done a great job, don't beat yourself up.

We'll really have to get together and meet at Ginger's one of these days.

Mary said...

as another mid 50's louisiana girl transplanted to LA, i read your posts often to see how eloquently you document things we all go through. It always makes me think and reflect and for that I thank you.

cher said...

we do go through different times of looking back at choices we made and paths we took-my motto is no regrets...really, you can not go back and see what if...so be happy with the right here, the right now. Glad to hear the worse month is behind you and you can look forward to having fun!

Hanne said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Vicky. I think the best thing we can give ourselves it to be in the present and look most to the future and little to the past. Not easy, but well worth it.

Happy Valley Quilter said...

It's good that we can learn from our past. I guess it helps that our hind sight is 20/20. I've found that looking back has helped me move forward with more strength and I think I have more to offer after going through the tough stuff.